Don Arson's Hardtack and Army Beans

Hardtack:

4 cups non-enriched flour (NOT self-rising!)
2/3 cup lard or shortening*
2 cups water, divided into one cup portions
1 tablespoon salt

    Put 2 cups flour and all of the shortening in a bowl and mix together. Add remaining flour and mix well. Add 1 cup water, with salt dissolved in it, to bowl and mix thoroughly. SLOWLY add as much of the remaining water as needed to make a firm, but wet, dough.
    Let the dough rest at least one hour in the refrigerator, then roll out on a well-floured board to ¼ -inch thickness. Cut into pieces about 2-1/2” by 4 “.  Put 4 to 6 holes into each cracker.
    Bake in a 275?F oven for  one and a half to two hours. Hardtack should be dry, but not browned. If the hardtack is browning on the bottom, try placing a pan of water in a lower rack or lower the temperature to 250?F and cook for an additional 45 minutes to an hour.
* Crisco makes a butter-flavored shortening if you can’t stand the plain taste of traditional Army bread.

Army Beans:

2 pounds of white beans
½ pound side meat or dried beef
salt

    Pick through the beans for stones, vermin, and other items unfit for human consumption. To make the surviving mass unfit for human consumption, soak the beans about two hours. Skim off any “floaters” and pour out the old water. In a large pot, put in the beans and add enough water to cover all by about two inches or so. Cut the side meat or dried beef, and add the meat to the pot. Bring to vigorous boil, stirring frequently, for about twenty minutes. Reduce to a simmer, and cover the pot. After one hour, check the mess in the bottom of the pot, and add enough water to make the whole thing a watery obscenity to the culinary arts. Add salt, so as to annoy the hungry recipients even further. Any leftover salt should be offered to the soldiers as a final insult. Cook should not be in camp during mealtime. Do not feed to prisoners. They have suffered enough already. Serve with hardtack.